Wish I was home
by onifuruutsu
Summary: After a while training to be in SOLDIER, Cloud feels quite homesick. Zack tells him there are ways to get rid of those feelings, but he seems reluctant to show the blonde... This story's got a slow start on ZackxCloud yaoi, patience for the good stuff!


Omg, I actually felt like writing something with _content_. A _story_. O_O Incredible, ne? lol Also I wanted to try getting Zack into a story. I love the guy. Especially when he's with Cloud. XD Anyway, those of you who know my style will be surprised to read this: yaoi, juicy male-on-male sex _maybe_ in _latter chapters_. People's reaction = "WHAT?! -faints-" lol I'm right, ne? XD Anyway, this is ZackxCloud of course in here, but there's some _implied_ AngealxZack too (scattered throughout the chaps). This story I guess is kinda AU, since I just pictured the SOLDIER training complex and the scenery around in a certain way, and so it's not like in the games and things. But it's not so AU that Zack is suddenly a CEO and Cloud's his secretary. –pauses to think– Hmmm... -licks lips-

Disclaimer: Well, I'd love to, but I don't own the Final Fantasy characters. If I did, man, what would I be doing here? lol

Warnings: Yaoi, duh. lol Maybe explicit content in latter chapters. For now, it's more like shonen-ai… Anyway, don't worry; knowing me, we'll probably get to some good stuff soon!

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Chapter 1 -

**Homesickness**

After a while training to be a SOLDIER, Cloud could only find one word to describe the job: tough. It was testing his very limits, physically and mentally. He loved it though. He believed he'd found exactly the right job for himself. The one thing that still always came back to his mind, though, was that he wanted to be home. Gosh how he longed for his bed, his food, the view from his bedroom window…

Some nights he had trouble sleeping, woke up in the middle of the night with the urge to just pack up his stuff and go back home… But he wanted to be a soldier, to be useful, to be a hero some day. So he fought it each time, telling himself he'd be weak to go back, to let everything down just because of a sudden need for a luxury… He already considered himself pathetic just to have those thoughts.

- "Hey Strife, stop daydreaming and get back here, break's over" a tall man with dark, spiky hair called from across the gym. "You'll need to work harder if you wanna be a soldier!"

At least Zack was there. He always found a way to cheer him up or distract him. Or make him train so hard that when the blonde got back to his room he'd simply crash on his bed and pass out. Of course, he'd _never_ give the man a single hint to show him that he was totally drained, he was way too proud for that. Anyway, he was glad to have Zack near him. He wasn't just a mentor, he was also a friend, though nobody knew it. It must not be known, or it would be considered as favouritism, even if the man didn't ever go easy on him because of that. There was a price to pay for everything…

As he walked towards the group of soldiers in training, he couldn't help but let his lips sketch a little smile. He was puzzled by his superior. No matter what happened, he was always cheerful and could find a joke to make. Who_ever_ was like that these days? No one. Cloud was really happy to have first-class soldier Zack as his superior. Anyway, training now. The blonde loved it. At this stage in training it was real swords, no holding back… a show of pure, raw power. As if it was… all real.

- "Relax your shoulders Nelo, your sword will swing better… Ho, there, you'll end up losing your balance if you keep your feet like that! Keep 'em wider! Come on, you can be much faster guys, give it all you got!"

The black-haired man could be strict and domineering when training the second-class soldiers, but he never was unpleasant, even when criticizing.

- "Hey, Strife, you can hit harder than that…" Zack called out.

The blonde was fighting with another soldier a good foot taller than him, but he wasn't particularly having trouble keeping up or anything. But it seemed Zack wanted to push Cloud to his limits, once again. Well, as he did with all the other trainees. Zack approached the fighting pair and then he signed to the other soldier to go train with someone else as he winked at the blonde.

- "So, what are you waiting for? Fight!" Zack said, smiling like a child in front of an ice cream stand as he drew out his sword.

xXxXxXxXxXx

When Zack had finally stopped fighting with him, once Cloud had managed to hit his sword hard enough against his mentor's to make him fall down on one knee, the first-class had gone to train some more with other soldiers… It seemed there was no end, no limit to his energy. Cloud, for his part, wasn't so sad to get back to his room to eat and rest… But, compared to when he'd first gotten here, it was much better: his body had become more toned and fit, he was stronger, faster, and he needed to eat less; his system could now do more with less.

Once he finished his simple meal, he stretched and sighed, then walked to his wardrobe and grabbed a set of clean clothes and a towel. He set out for the showers, at the other end of the dormitories. He was glad that the showers here were separate, and not common like in some other places… Ok, so maybe he was a proud young man, and he had nothing to be ashamed of, really, but he wasn't gonna shower naked in front of other people… No way. He wasn't like some other soldiers he'd seen walking around in the hallways, coming back from their shower with just a towel around their hips, or with no towel at all, shooting cocky smiles at friends and doing other things macho guys do. Cloud wasn't macho.

Usually, after eating, Cloud would take half an hour to relax and then he'd go train some more in the gym, or go outside and run for a few kilometres. But tonight, he really didn't feel like it. It was a homesick night... He tried not thinking about it as he showered, but didn't have much success. It's not like he had much else to think about anyway. Most of the other soldiers in training went out to drink on weekends, or even during the week, but Cloud wasn't particularly fond of alcohol.

After his shower, he dried himself up, put on his clean set of clothes and went back to dump his wet towel and dirty clothes in a corner of his room, then walked down the hallway and pushed the door to get outside. He took a deep breath in as the cool night air met his face, and he smiled. It always felt so good to be outside… He walked for a little while, until he was at the edge of the nearby cliff, where he knew there always was a nice cool breeze, and where he loved to sit or lie down and watch the stars, for hours on end. This little piece of land made him feel like he was back home.

Tonight, he decided to lie down on his back, hands behind his head, feet dangling off the edge, and he started looking for geometric shapes or animal shapes and such that the stars formed. As he did that, he could clear his mind, think about nothing else… just… relax. After a while, he heard some distant but approaching sounds, and he stood up at once, ready to fight. And then he recognized the advancing silhouette: it was Zack. Oh man, he was gonna be in trouble… Soldiers in training weren't supposed to leave the complex this late. Ok, so maybe Zack didn't bother much with rules and such when it implied _Cloud_, but still…

To his great surprise, when the first-class reached him, he simply smiled and sat down at the edge of the cliff, taking a deep breath in and closing his eyes. Cloud hesitated for a moment, then decided to lie back down on the grass to watch the stars. Not a word was spoken for a while, but it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. Zack broke it first after a few minutes.

- "Do you do that often?" he asked Cloud, not turning to look at him.

The blonde wasn't too sure if the answer he'd give would earn him reprimands or anything, but he decided to go for the truth. Anyway, he'd feel impossibly guilty lying to his friend.

- "Yeah, quite…" he answered in a voice just above a whisper.

- "Reminds you of home?"

- "Yeah."

The first-class soldier lied down at an arm's distance from the blonde, hands behind his head too, a little smile on his face as he looked up at the night sky.

- "I miss my place too. I wish I was a kid again sometimes, you know? Without a worry, free to do anything, mom cooking _delicious_ meals… Damn, those were the good times!"

Cloud smiled at this. Yup, it was exactly how he felt. It kinda comforted him to know that this ever-optimistic man too had his lows…

- "Are you alright, Spike?" Zack suddenly asked, a little more serious and turning his head sideways to look at the blonde. "You looked a little distracted today during the training…"

The younger soldier took a moment to think about how he was gonna say this, and then he settled on using the straightforward manner.

- "I just feel more homesick than usual, that's all" he said, at the same time trying to make it sound less bad than it was.

- "You sure that's all?" Zack asked, his voice lower this time.

It made Cloud feel quite weird to hear his mentor speak to him like that, as if they were really _close_ friends, as if they were confidents. Their conversations outside of training had always been much more light-hearted, not too personal. Well, most of the time it was only _Zack_ speaking but… anyway, point was, he was acting more like a best friend at the moment. Not that it displeased the blonde, far from that, but it was just… not what he'd expected. But it was really nice to know that the first-class cared about him.

- "It doesn't mean you're weak, Cloud" the elder man finally said, looking up at the stars again. "It just means you're human."

The blonde took a moment before he really understood the meaning of those words and took it in, and then he smiled. It made sense… Well, if he'd been weak because he longed for home, it meant Zack would have been weak too. And that didn't add up in Cloud's mind. It didn't make sense. Zack was _not_ weak. And he was no liar. After a moment, the younger soldier turned his head a little to shoot a sideway glance at the man beside him, and he saw he had a little smile upon his lips.

- "What?" he asked.

The black-haired man let out a little laugh and shook his head.

- "Nah, nothing."

- "Come on, tell me."

- "I'm telling you, it's nothing" the man assured, still with a smile

- "You can't lie, Fair-san…" Cloud said, knowing that Zack _hated _for him to speak formally like that.

- "Nobody's here to hear" the man said, his face now serious and his voice a little exasperated. "Stop the official stuff, it really gets on my nerves."

- "Ok…" the blonde said, repressing a little smirk. "So… permission to speak frankly?"

- "Granted" the first-class answered, still sounding a little annoyed but with a softer face, aware now that the blonde was doing it on purpose.

- "Ok, um… I was saying… you suck at lying" Cloud told him, really seriously.

Zack smiled widely and let out a little laugh, messing up his hair with a hand.

- "Yeah, well, I know… But it doesn't mean I'll stop trying!"

- "So will you answer?" the blonde asked. "Why were you smiling like that?"

- "I was just.. thinking…"

- "About what?"

- "… Many things. My place, my job, Angeal…"

- "Oh, I'm sorry."

The blonde knew Angeal was a father figure for Zack, and being separated from him must be the hardest thing.

- "You don't have to be, I wasn't thinking about anything depressing about him" the first-class soldier said, sitting up, still with a little smile on his face. "It's just… I just remembered something he'd told me once. And I guess… if he was here he'd want me to share it. But I…"

It was the first time Cloud had ever seen Zack look… how did he look? It took a moment before he realized… the older man looked _uneasy_. It was a first.

- "You what?"

- "I don't want to scare you off or make you think I'm a weird freak…"

Now _this_ got Cloud _really_ intrigued…

- "I'll try not to" the blonde finally said with a little smile, sitting up too.

- "When… when I was really homesick, or just down, Angeal always noticed" Zack began saying, not looking at the younger soldier anymore. "And… once, he told me that during long wars and training periods, most soldiers experience that feeling. He said it's normal, but he also said it… it destroys you in the end, when you think about it too much. And then… he said… he told me there were ways to get rid of it."

- "Really?" the blonde said, a bit unbelieving.

- "Well…" the first-class continued with a little nervous laugh. "Yeah… and, um… I did get to try… Angeal… Angeal showed me a few of those…"

- "And?"

- "… The funniest thing is that it actually works…"

- "Tell me then" Cloud said, decisively. "Show me."

- "I'm not… I'm not sure-"

- "I can't stand it anymore, Zack" the blonde said, a little bothered now. "I have trouble sleeping, it always comes back to my mind and damn, if you've noticed, it means it affects my performance in fights too. So I don't care what it is, if it works, show it to me!"

Zack simply stared back at him for a while, apparently trying to weigh things out, and he was lightly chewing on the inside of his cheek. Then he sat on his ankles and got a little closer to the younger soldier, who instinctively made a small retreating movement, making Zack sigh and close his eyes.

- "I told you you'd think I'm a freak…" he said in a patient voice.

- "No, I'm… I'm sorry, I didn't… man, we're _trained_ to be cautious, don't take it personally!"

It seemed to convince the first-class soldier, who slowly nodded and then got closer still.

- "Whenever you want me to stop, tell me…" he whispered, sending shivers down the blonde's spine. "Now close your eyes."

Cloud's heart skipped a beat. If Zack did what he thought he was gonna do… that was against nature. It wasn't normal, it was… _sick_. But his whole being trusted the first-class soldier, enough for him to close his eyes and wait for the rest, staying stock still, repressing his well-acquired SOLDIER instincts, which commanded him to run, to fight, not to trust anyone… Zack was definitely powerful, and not only physically. After a few seconds, he opened his eyes in surprise when he felt two strong arms around his shoulders and his friend's cheek against his.

- "I… I can't do it…" he whispered.

At first, Cloud was relieved; this meant less trouble later, fewer complications in their mentor-student _and_ friendly relationship. And then… he realized it felt really good to be held in those arms, and he slowly, hesitantly wrapped his own arms around Zack. It was… really nice, to be honest. The man's body was so warm, and he wasn't holding him really tight or anything, he was being so gentle… as if he thought the blonde was the most fragile thing on Earth. And then Cloud felt insulted as a question popped in his mind… For what reason did the man not show him how he could make him forget? Why did he _not_ kiss him? Cause that surely had been his intention, right? Damn, the blonde now felt confused, to top it all off.

- "I can't…" Zack whispered again.

- "It's ok, I understand" Cloud said.

He found he had no control over his voice and he knew he'd sounded offended. And his friend noticed it, because he took his arms from around him and instead grabbed his shoulders, looking straight at him.

- "No, no, it's not like that! I swear it's not because you're not… because I don't… find you… Aaaaah dammit!"

He ran a hand into his hair, sighing, and Cloud thought he understood what he was trying to say. And he knew he was sincere. But it didn't mean he understood why his superior had not done it. He gulped and decided to ask.

- "Then what's holding you back?"

Zack let out a little laugh and gently took one of the blonde's hands into his own, looking at them, and not into Cloud's eyes anymore.

- "_That_'s why. You're… you're so innocent… in the good way, I mean. You're like a child, you're… you're a good person, there's no other way to say it, and just having… the thoughts I have about you… Ah man, this is ridiculous. I feel guilty, I feel so sick whenever it crosses my mind… I feel like I just _can't_ do this to you…"

The poor thing looked totally lost, so Cloud decided to have pity. He didn't need to hear anymore to understand now. He took his hand away from Zack's and the first-class soldier's face changed a little, probably because he was sure now that he'd traumatized the younger soldier, but the blonde wrapped his arms around Zack's neck, pulling and holding him close. Without even looking at him, Cloud knew that the man had been totally expecting _anything_ but that, so he quickly tried to reassure him.

- "You know, I… I think it's alright just like that…"

As Zack finally held on to him too, Cloud realized just how much they… must look like teenagers experimenting. Nevertheless… he had to admit, he already felt better, just by having someone to hold, and someone holding him. But even though he believed that Zack and, thus, Angeal's _tricks_ would make him feel even better, he was far from feeling ready to… take it farther than that, to go that fast. Luckily it seemed to be that way for the first-class soldier too.

- "I'm sorry" the man sighed. "I… tried taking it too fast, I can't do it…"

- "I think it's better this way" Cloud whispered back.

A little while passed by, and then…

- "I would've freaked you, ne?" Zack asked in a concerned voice.

- "A little…" the blonde answered, unsure.

Zack tightened his hold onto him and sighed again.

- "I guess I should leave now…"

- "No!" Cloud said before he could help himself, or at least control how it came out.

He held the first-class soldier closer and felt the heat rise to his cheeks.

- "I… I…" he stuttered, incapable of bringing himself to say exactly how he felt.

- "It's alright, you don't need to say anything" the older man whispered in a warm voice which sent shivers up the blonde's spine. "But… yes, there's one thing I want you to say. If you don't ever want me to… to touch you again, or… do anything more… tell me right now, ok? I'll stop it there."

Cloud gulped and gave the question some thought, trying to extrapolate and see where both possible answers could lead… And his most profound instincts finally told him to seek comfort above all, whatever it implied. He knew he could trust Zack.

- "I just don't want to rush things" the blonde finally said, sighing. "I'm not sure how to take this just yet…"

- "I can stop-"

- "That's not what I mean, I don't want you to stop. I think… Angeal was right. We haven't done anything really beyond ordinary and... I already feel much better. It's just, um, let's say it's a lot to take at once… _But_, it's not… unpleasant."

Zack slowly pushed them apart and stared at him straight in the eyes, a quite serious look on his face.

- "You're not saying that just to make me-"

- "I really mean it."

The dark-haired man simply nodded and Cloud smiled shyly. He was embarrassed to have said all that, but he didn't want his friend to feel bad about this… for nothing. After a moment of evading each other's stare, they somehow both ended up cheek against cheek, holding on to each other again, so close and tight it was as if they'd never let go, almost as if they were gonna merge… And time passed by, unnoticed by the pair who was, for lack of a better word, lost in their own little world. Cloud didn't really feel all that bad anymore, and he was starting to think he would gladly do this every day. The thought that he could end up in a _relationship_ with his friend, mentor and superior, seemed less and less weird and unnatural to him.

- "Oh damn" Zack said suddenly, sighing. "It's really getting late… well, early in fact…"

Cloud concluded that the man had looked at his watch… He reluctantly pulled away and Zack smiled widely at him.

- "Thanks, Spike" he said.

- "What for?" the blonde asked, a little suspicious.

- "Well, for being this… open… For letting me do this."

- "I'm just, uh… um…"

Cloud sighed and just smiled back at the first-class soldier, unable to find anything to say. After a while, he slowly got up and stretched, looking back at the training complex which looked quite small in the distance.

- "I guess we'll have to keep this secret…" he said. "I _want_ it to be secret anyway. Don't think it's against you, I just don't want everyone to know… I don't want us to be teased… or for it to compromise our careers."

- "Yeah, better if no one knows" Zack replied, getting up also. "Man, the General would have both our heads…"

Cloud shuddered at the thought of the consequences of Sephiroth learning the whole affair… It definitely would bring nothing bright to their future. Without another word, they both headed back to the complex, without exchanging a word or a glance, and the blonde felt like a schoolgirl. Really. He was like a poor little embarrassed virgin. No, wait, he _was_ a poor little embarrassed virgin. And though he would never admit it, he knew Zack knew.

They finally arrived at Cloud's dormitory room, and the blonde decided to look at his friend again as he grabbed the door handle. The first-class soldier was smiling awkwardly at him.

- "Well, I'm not really sure how to handle this…" he said in a voice just above a whisper, rubbing the back of his neck.

- "Just with a goodnight for now, I guess" Cloud answered in an equally low voice, gulping.

Fortunately, at this time of night, everyone was asleep, and there was thus no one to hear or see them. And he was _so_ happy there were no cameras in here…

- "Yeah…" Zack sighed. "I guess that… whenever you, um, feel like it, you can… you know…"

- "Alright…"

The dark-haired man slowly raised a hand and very lightly caressed Cloud's cheek with the tip of his fingers, and the blonde had to bite down hard on his tongue to control the shiver that travelled throughout his whole body.

- "Goodnight, Spike" the older soldier whispered, winking at him and then heading for his quarters.

- "Yeah, goodnight to you too" the blonde whispered as he got into his room and closed the door, aware that the man probably hadn't heard him at all.

As he undressed to his underwear and slipped underneath the sheets on his bed, he could only think about how good it had felt. Despite being the last thing he'd expected to happen that night, it had been surprisingly nice. And he didn't _once_ think about homesickness…

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Oh… my… dear… NO SEX! Not even a _kiss_! _YES_, I refused Cloud a _kiss_! o.O Someone write an X on a calendar. omg. OMG. lol Hope it was good anyway, or at least tolerable. I'm getting full of ideas for this, so I'll be putting up another chapter soon. 'Til then, don't be afraid to review y'all!


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